an overdue tribute to high school.

"This is not The Greatest Song in the World, no.
This is just a tribute.
Couldn't remember The Greatest Song in the World, no, no.
This is a tribute, oh, to The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was the best muthaf**kin' song the greatest song in the world."

-Jack Black 

this is a tribute 

to the stupidity that made my highschool great

to chemistry (F**k you) and stoichiometry (F**K you too) #FutureMissionary

to last minute over night projects and group projects i took a back seat to

to the dream team

to night boarding

to sneaking out (thank god for basement doors) 

to smash and toon link

to all the girls i never could talk to

to bros nights because we never could talk to girls

to the teachers that cared and the teachers that didn't

to mangam (thanks i never really wanted to learn a language) 

to sophomore year 

to dumb crazy parties

to the the almost predictable depression. 

to squeeze media, highland elementary and malawi's  

to all the inadequacies

to all the dances 

to jr prom 

to that one girl that i kissed 

to betos #NotSponsored 

to XC 

to the one year of band (even though i did nothing)

to Master Bateman the first teacher to truly hate me (honestly one of my favorite classes XD lol)

to PK and the feeling of inadequacy 

to MP (i really am sorry ) 

to pokemon 

to goblin valley

to art 1

to Mr.Dunn 

to Oregon 

to AC 

to nilla wafer top hat time

to star bomb

to fight nights

to the endless number of groups that i was part of

to life 

to explosions in the sky

to kasabian

to the fleeting picture of who i once was 

   i sit here looking at a screen going through the memories that have made me. terrified of the unknown.

 astonished of the grief i feel leaving something i hated behind. 

i stand looking back at the fleeting picture of who i once was 

i often picture myself on a one man ship. the night is silent and the waters are still. i sit looking back at where i once was as i slowly drift into the empty unknown, anxiety and fear fill the emptiness never to be seen the same again. es to.     

i doubt anyone will read this and honestly i hope no one does. but in the end this is just a tribute 

peace  

I Remember

i remember the tree that sat in front of my house that i would climb almost everyday

i remember the first time i met dominic, i remember feeling nervous because he was black, still don't know why but we became friends instantly and still are today.

i remember sitting on the grass during recess as we read calvin and hobbs together. we'd pretend i was calvin and she was hobbs. i remember that nicknames we got for doing so.

i remember always hiding in this closet near our living room on christmas eve trying to see santa. i remember that's how my brother found out santa (supposedly) doesn't exist

i remember every time it rained we would race leaves down the gutter.

i remember my uncles used to pretend they knew chinese around me.

i remember my last day living in the place only now plagued by memories. how we all walked to 711 and got slurpees pretending it was any other night.

i remember being alone.

i remember sunday afternoons playing frisbee and talking for hours

i remember raping N**gas in paris and thinking we were the shiz

i remember geo cashing

i remember DC

i remember the native american i made in third grade.

i remember playing mario party

i remember stratego

i remember the old basketball hoop we had. and after 10+ years the hoop was so bent you could only make it if you hit this one specific shot.

i remember the train wreck that was my 8th grade play.

i remember bump

i remember lighting a couch on fire.

i remember sluffing for the first time and feeling so guilty. (it was seminary)

i remember never wanting this to end.

Blue ticket

My ticket was erode

I Took in change taken from the world and in turn it slowly killed what i once was. gradually destroy or be gradually destroyed. 

The Hammock story

Towards the end of the summer before 8th grade i went on high adventure with the young mens. For the trip we went river rafting in the snake river in northern Idaho. For those who have never gone the rapids are often very intense and in multiple occasions the raft of ten people would flip making us all swim through rapids to both retrieve and get on the raft. And in the few moments the water was still the raft soon became a giant king of the hill game for which i almost always got wrestled into the water. 

As you can imagine this was exhausting. So after a long day of this all i could think about was lying in a hammock that a leader said i could use and relaxing. Now at the same time i had recently bought what i had thought to be the coolest pocket knife ever. So naturally i wanted to try it out.  Now for those with basic common sense, you would think. You probably should sit up and and not lay on a hammock with both legs fully exposed while you play with the pocket knife. But this thought never occurred to Parker and thus i did just that. 

And after about a good 20 minutes the inevitable happened. The knife slipped and left a huge gash on my right leg. Now for those you don't know me, well this is no new thing for me. Just look at my left hand and there's plenty of proof of this. So this unfortunately being routine i got out got some rope to stop blood flow and wobbled over to the emergency tent. There sat the medic for the camp. This being nothing new i sat down and just gave him a brief description of what happened as he further inspects my leg.

After a few moment he gets up and and says “come with me were going to haft to cauterize the wound.” “What?!” “Yea come here we're going to haft to cauterize it.” * now a little heart to heart moment here for those who are considering a medical career, many of your patients will be little startled and started asking questions, comfort them. * But this moron doesn't hold anything back. He starts describing how much it hurts, about how i'll haft to do it laying down in case i pass out and this there's no other option because the nearest hospital is over two hours away and we need to stop the bleeding.

At this point were in the kitchen and hes already has the knife on the stove heating up. So as this guy is telling me how much it is going to hurt i'm staring right into a knife that’s slowly turning orange. I'm panicking. Its fight or flight time baby and I look at this guy and instead of seeing this medic i see this dumb kid who doesn't look much older then me and probably doesn't know what he’s doing. And he's going to but a burn my cut shut. So right as he gets the knife i start backing up. “Come here we need to do this. Come on” now if you're trying to calm someone down what do you do not walk at him with a knife. 
So i bolt Full speed i'm holding nothing back, and this maniac chases me with THE KNIFE STILL IN HIS HAND! now i don't know  if it was adrenaline or the fact that he didn't run very fast so he doesn't accidentally burn himself but i got away and go right into the nearby woods. I stay there for a good half an hour hiding till some leaders find me. Turns out that the whole thing was a practical joke and i never was supposed to get it cauterized. Now the thing that still bothers me to this day is the fact that he never told me that it was a joke while i was running away so that i wouldn't go hide for an hour or why in the world did he take the knife while chancing me when the whole thing was a joke. Anyway that is the hammock story.   

The End

My Reveal update

Parker Rowley


I Actually did a Video Check it out

Wins and Losses

       WINS                                                                            LOSSES

• got a cool van                                                 haft to share it 
• long hair don't care                                        ginger
• got up this morning                                       late to first period
• good group of friends                                     all of them started dating each other
• good job                                                         manager hates me 
• can afford panda express                               cant afford much else
• im the tallest in the fam                                 my dad is only 5,6
• no traffic to school today                               because no one goes to school at 8:00 
• can't think of any bad things                                  can't think of any good thing
• got accepted into first choice of school                because everyone gets accepted
• have good A days                                                   boring B day

peace

lets get real folks.

k people. let’s get real. for the past week I’ve been wondering what I’m going to post. i could take the easy way which i normally do. talk about some BS fear like of heights or the future. or i could get real. actually write what truly frightens me. what shakes me to my core. and to tell you the truth even as I’m writing this now. i don't know which I’m going to do. being real is not something i really ever do. most of my days i put on a mask pretend thing are perfect, that everything great when in reality I’m dying inside. hating everyone and everything. and to tell you the truth, over the last year or so I’ve kind of stopped caring about most everything. so let’s get real.  

I AM SCARED. I’m scared of clowns, chucky the doll, of the dark, and chemistry as a whole. but i am terrified of the nothingness that i have felt every day for as long as i can remember. of the black hole that has settled in my life, sucking in every happy experience, thought, memory, and forcing it into a infinitely dense mass from which there is no light. most days i just sit there, staring into oblivion and wondering why i even bother. and it terrifies me. I’ve never really felt like I’ve ever belonged anywhere. there's this great quote by Robin Williams "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." I’ve always felt like an outcast. a piece of a puzzle that was never had a place. this feed into the nothingness. I only go out because it’s better than the over occupied, crazy mesh that is my home life. you know I often fantasize about just leaving. Sailing off. Taking nothing and no one with me. no destination, just letting the nothingness envelop me. having my soul purpose to just be. And that what truly scares me. having thoughts like that. Not being driven or having the will. I used to stare into the night sky, thinking, comparing myself to it, Being covered in black emptiness, only being a few small lights from having it completely envelop me. but most of all I’m scared this it will never end. That ill wake up at the end of my life having done nothing because there’s really no point to anything. because in the end i truly don't feel anything. anyways if you read this far. Good for you. I probably wouldn’t have.  

peace