lets get real folks.

k people. let’s get real. for the past week I’ve been wondering what I’m going to post. i could take the easy way which i normally do. talk about some BS fear like of heights or the future. or i could get real. actually write what truly frightens me. what shakes me to my core. and to tell you the truth even as I’m writing this now. i don't know which I’m going to do. being real is not something i really ever do. most of my days i put on a mask pretend thing are perfect, that everything great when in reality I’m dying inside. hating everyone and everything. and to tell you the truth, over the last year or so I’ve kind of stopped caring about most everything. so let’s get real.  

I AM SCARED. I’m scared of clowns, chucky the doll, of the dark, and chemistry as a whole. but i am terrified of the nothingness that i have felt every day for as long as i can remember. of the black hole that has settled in my life, sucking in every happy experience, thought, memory, and forcing it into a infinitely dense mass from which there is no light. most days i just sit there, staring into oblivion and wondering why i even bother. and it terrifies me. I’ve never really felt like I’ve ever belonged anywhere. there's this great quote by Robin Williams "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." I’ve always felt like an outcast. a piece of a puzzle that was never had a place. this feed into the nothingness. I only go out because it’s better than the over occupied, crazy mesh that is my home life. you know I often fantasize about just leaving. Sailing off. Taking nothing and no one with me. no destination, just letting the nothingness envelop me. having my soul purpose to just be. And that what truly scares me. having thoughts like that. Not being driven or having the will. I used to stare into the night sky, thinking, comparing myself to it, Being covered in black emptiness, only being a few small lights from having it completely envelop me. but most of all I’m scared this it will never end. That ill wake up at the end of my life having done nothing because there’s really no point to anything. because in the end i truly don't feel anything. anyways if you read this far. Good for you. I probably wouldn’t have.  

peace